Domestic Violence

SAFETY ALERT

If you are in danger use a safer computer or call 911, the Hispanics United of Buffalo Domestic Violence Hotline at (716) 481-8867,your local hotline, the U.S. Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800 787-3224.

You can also call the NY 24-Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-942-6906 (English) or 1-800-942-6908 (Spanish). There is always a computer trail, but you can leave this site quickly.

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Women Shelters in Buffalo, NY

Haven House P.0. Box 451 Ellicott Station Buffalo, New York 14205 (716) 884-6000
Cornerstone Manor 45 Carlton Street Buffalo, New York 14203 (716) 852-0761
Child & Family Services Haven House P.O. Box 451 Ellicott Station Woman Shelter NY Buffalo, New York 14205 24-Hour Hotline: (716) 884-6000 Business Office: (716) 884-6002 Counseling and Advocacy Services: (716) 884-6005
Hispanos Unidos de Buffalo, business office: (716) 856-7110 or (716) 481-8867 (hotline)
Community Services for the Developmentally Disabled (716) 883-8888 or (716) 877-1111

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What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

name-calling or putdowns
keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends
withholding money
stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job
actual or threatened physical harm
sexual assault
stalking
intimidation

Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.

The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the Violence Wheel.

The chart below is a way of looking at the behaviors abusers use to get and keep control in their relationships. Battering is a choice. It is used to gain power and control over another person. Physical abuse is only one part of a system of abusive behaviors.

Abuse is never a one time event.

This chart uses the wheel to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each part shows a way to control or gain power.

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

If you are being abused, REMEMBER

You are not alone
It is not your fault
Help is available

The abuser exerts the Cycle of Violence and Power and Control to prevent domestic violence victims from leaving.

MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.

Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence.

Some people deserve to be hit.

No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.
Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.

Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.

Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence.
Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse.
Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence.

Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.

Domestic violence affects everyone.
About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children.

If it were that bad, she would just leave.

There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim want to be abused.
Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave.

MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE FREE LIVES.

The Victims

Since abuse can happen to anyone, people can have special concerns. All resources listed here can help you understand your special concerns. They will listen to you and treat you with respect.

If you are a male victim of abuse ... You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you.

If you are a person of color ... You may be afraid of prejudice. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help.

If you are a lesbian, gay, or transgendered person ... You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation.

If you are physically or mentally challenged or elderly ... You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you.

If you are from another country...You may be afraid of being deported.

If your religion makes it hard to get help ... You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family.

is very jealous and/or spies on you
will not let you break off the relationship If you are a teen... you could be a victim of abuse, or at risk if you are dating someone who:
hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people
puts you down or makes you feel bad
forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex
abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others

It is hard for teens to leave their abuser if they go to the same school. They cannot hide. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be scared they may have to reveal their sexual orientation.

If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Call a resource listed in this book. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.

If you are a child in a violent home ... Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, but most of the time they do. Children often know what happened. They can feel helpless, scared and upset. They may also feel like the violence is their fault.

Violence in the home is dangerous for children. Children live with scary noises, yelling and hitting. They are afraid for their parents and themselves. Children feel bad that they cannot stop the abuse. If they try to stop the fight, they can be hurt. They can also be hurt by things that are thrown or weapons that are used. Children are harmed just by seeing and hearing the violence.

Children in violent homes may not get the care they need. A parent who is being abused may be in too much pain to take good care of their child.

Children who live in violent homes can have many problems. They can have trouble sleeping. They can have trouble in school and getting along with others. They often feel sad and scared all the time. They may grow up feeling bad about themselves. These problems do not go away on their own. They can be there even as the child gets older.

There is help for children in violent homes. Call a resource listed in this book to talk to someone. This can also help if you grew up in a violent home.

If you are being stalked ... Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.

People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious. It is against the law. It often turns to physical violence.

There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). You can also tell the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by:

telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you
keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts
saving phone messages from the stalker
saving letters and gifts from the stalker
writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number

STALKING IS A CRIME.

If you want more information about how to get help, call the Hispanics United 24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline at (716) 481-8867.

The Abusers

Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no 'typical' abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family. They often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor.

Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so that they can get what they want. The abuse may be physical, sexual, emotional, and psychological.

Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims.

Am I being abused? - A Warning List

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you;

pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting

threatening you, your children, other family members or pets

threatening suicide to get you to do something

using or threatening to use a weapon against you

keeping or taking your paycheck

puts you down or makes you feel bad

forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like

keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!

Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help

Cycle of Violence

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry

Abuse may begin

There is a breakdown of communication

Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm

Tension becomes too much

Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse

Abuser may promise it will never happen again

Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse

Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

Physical abuse may not be taking place

Promises made during 'making-up' may be met

Victim may hope that the abuse is over

Abuser may give gifts to victim

Then it starts all over again

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear.

Questions About Leaving

Many victims of domestic violence ask these questions about leaving.

Can I take my children with me when I leave?

Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later.
Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed in this book may help you find assistance.
If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody.
Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return.
If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)

Where do I go?

Stay with a friend or relatives.
If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.)
Go to a battered women�s shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children.
Or call 911 because it is a good start.

Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.

What should I bring?

A letter telling the court what has been going on. Make sure to tell them everything. Include dates and details the best you can.

Police reports, medical records, photographs, or witnesses if you can get them.

Any information about the abuser - current address, date of birth or age, hair color, eye color, height, weight, address, Social Security number, or driver's license number.

Any court papers you have if you can get them. For example, custody and/or parenting time orders, lease agreement, divorce papers, or criminal case records.

Remember, while PPOs do work, it is important to be careful and have a safety plan.

Personalized Safety Plan

Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe. The resources in this book can help you to make a safety plan that works best for you. It is important to get help with your safety plan. Many of the resources listed in this book can help you.

HAVEN may be able to provide you with a cell phone that is programmed to only call 911. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

If you are in an abusive relationship, think about...

Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 911. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
Going over your safety plan often.

If you consider leaving your abuser, think about...

Four places you could go if you leave your home.
People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.

ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE

Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, green cards, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
PPO, divorce papers, custody orders
Address book
Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)

8. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.

If you have left your abuser, think about...

Your safety - you still need to.
Getting a cell phone. There are free cell phones for qualifying individuals.
Getting a PPO from the court. Keep a copy with you all the time. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a PPO protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a PPO that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must.
Going over your safety plan often.

WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.

What Can I Do To Be Safe?

Call the police

If you feel you are in danger from your abuser at any time, you can call 911 or your local police. These phones are for when you need to call the police and cannot get to any other phone.

Consider the following:

If you are in danger when the police come, they can protect you.

They can help you and your children leave your home safely.

They can arrest your abuser when they have enough proof that you have been abused.

They can arrest your abuser if a personal protection order (PPO) has been violated.

When the police come, tell them everything the abuser did that made you call.

If you have been hit, tell the police where. Tell them how many times it happened. Show them any marks left on your body. Marks may take time to show up. If you see a mark after the police leave, call the police to take pictures of the marks. They may be used in court.

If your abuser has broken any property, show the police.

The police can give you information on domestic violence programs and shelters.

The police must make a report saying what happened to you. Police reports can be used in court if your abuser is charged with a crime.

Get the officers' names, badge numbers, and the report number in case you need a copy of the report.

A police report can be used to help you get a PPO.

Get support from friends and family

Tell your supportive family, friends and co-workers what has happened.

Find a safe place

It is not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of what your abuser has done. But sometimes it is the only way you will be safe. There are shelters that can help you move to a different city or state. Hispanics United of Buffalo can put you in touch with them.

Get medical help

If you have been hurt, go to the hospital or your doctor. Domestic violence advocates (people to help you) may be called to the hospital. They are there to give you support. You may ask medical staff to call one for you.

Medical records can be important in court cases. They can also help you get a PPO. Give all the information about your injuries and who hurt you that you feel safe to give.

Special medical concerns

Sometimes you may not even know you are hurt.

What seems like a small injury could be a big one.

If you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.

Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.

Memory loss

Dizziness

Problems with eyesight

Throwing-up

Headache that will not go away

Make a safety plan

Plan what to do before or when you feel unsafe.

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"The Latino population is Buffalo's poorest, 43.4 percent with income below poverty level."

- 2009 US Census Bureau